I have attempted over and over again to write a serious blog. A single blog that didn't include a joke or a sarcastic remark, but I can't find it in myself to come up with something meaningful and witty. So that leads me to two conclusions: one, I'm not that kind of writer or two, I'm just that disconnected.
Easy to disconnect.
Women are stereotypically emotional, slow to react creatures, that base judgements on feelings rather than facts. We are supposed to cry when we are hurt, mad or dissatisfied with life. What if I don't cry? What if I don't care?
Ask me a year ago and I would've said this was a positive characteristic that I have grown to develop. Ask me today and I will tell you that it's a form of disconnection with life. There are two types of people that never hurt: one, dead people and two, people that are waist deep in denial and afraid to be hurt.
Finding myself further withdrawn, relying only on myself, afraid to ask anyone for help. Trying everyday to deal with the association between help and dependency. What type of person wants to admit they are dependent upon others? Not I, I'm too strong to ask anyone for help or admit I am afraid. Right? Afraid to rely upon someone else and be disappointed. Afraid to admit I can't conquer the world by myself. Afraid I might not have all of the answers. Afraid someone might see how weak I really am. Afraid someone is better than I. Afraid the people I am said to rely on, will be the same people who can hurt me the most. Afraid to be vulnerable and share a meaningful connection with anyone. Afraid I am a beautiful, stereotypically emotional, slow to react creature, that bases judgements on feelings rather than facts.
Slowly but surely, I am coming around to the fact that I don't need to disassociate from life to be strong. Some of the strongest people I know are so candid and completely transparent. Admitting weaknesses and moving forward. Now I need to do the same. I need to realize that my apparent weaknesses might just be my greatest strengths.
Not so easy to reconnect.
